Babies make the darndest faces

I noticed recently when going through my pictures, just how many end up as virtual garbage. There has to be thousands of pictures of my kids floating through some cyber black hole never to be seen again. We’;re talking pics with one kid hitting another, photo bombs of bunny ears (which are usually in the pics that would have turned out the best), a streaker in the background, or the ever so popular one kid making faces while the other smile. I call these faces pictures.

I just recently stopped erasing these pictures as they do truly how each one of my kids personalities at each age level, but don’t expect to see them hanging on my dining room wall.

So I’m about to share just a small sampling of my best “faces” pictures.

“Faces pictures take one”

 



 

 

Clumsiness is inherited

I should have come to this conclusion sooner, but I just realized it yesterday that clumsiness is inherited. In way I guess just doing stupid stuff is and the kids get it from me. I am the queen of dumb moves. If I leave a top cupboard open and bend over, yep I’m gonna stand up and smack my head. God forbid I am near uneven surfaces or I’ll fall or twist an ankle (see below picture). I broke my first bone by running into a doorway and snapping my toe in half (again see below picture). I like to tell people it’s a depth perception issue and it very well may be, but most likely it’s a case of notwatchingwhereimgoingitis. My stitches, bumps, and bruises are caused by whatwereuthikingitis.

I had a pretty good track record of ER visits with the kids. We won’t count Nellie’s many trips from asthma, just injuries. Our first visit would have been when Sara was two and she ate a screw driver bit. Yes, nothing like searching your childs poop for two days to make sure it came out. And yes, I washed, and sterilized it because it was part of a set! Every time I used that bit I was reminded of the nasty diaper it came out in. After that trip we were good for a few years until Leanna dropped a candle holder down the stairs and hit Emma in the head when Emma was three. No stitches just a nasty bruise. After this we had a streak of an er trip a year. See list below:

Sara: jumped of swing at age 7 and broke growth plate in elbow.

David: Rocks imbedded in elbow after a fall off bike (don’t ask how they get rocks out ewwwwwww)

Leanna: Fell 20 feet out of tree twisted ankle, bruised ego

Nellie: Stuck hand in dog food can five stitches in finer, Fell off plastic bin, hit paint can two staples in head

This does not include many debated injuries where I thought they needed to go, but finally was able to fix the injuries at home.

This brings us to yesterday when Emma took a very talented fall that would make any skateboarder proud, even though she was only running when it happened. The poor girl fell and slid on her face. She managed to rip a large chunk of skin from under her nose and somehow managed to slide also on the inside of her bottom lip tearing that up too. How she managed to tear up her right elbow and left knee I’ll never know which is why I refer to it as a very talented fall. I will warn people now the picture of her face is gross.

I used to freak when my kids got hurt now I’m just like ok here’s a wet rag and ice hold it on until we get to the hospital. I can crack jokes about it now when I used to literally have massive panic attacks. I guess this proves I could add EMT to my list of new found careers. I will admit when Nellie cracked open her head I did freak a little from the amount of blood and had to make her sister hold rag on it. It helps my kids have an under sensitivity to pain and usually don’t cry a lot unless they see their own blood. It’s hard to freak out when your kids aren’t.

In conclusion I think the US needs to revise their bike helmet laws and add that if any way you are related to me you should be required to wear a helmet and knee and elbow pads. Possibly children of mine should also have to be wrapped in bubble wrap while walking down stairs, jumping, riding bikes etc etc.

 

The things they say and do while I am on the phone (insert head shake here)

I swear sometimes my children’s goal in life is to embarrass me beyond belief. If I’m on the phone with someone with church they are sure to be rolling around in some sort of dog like fight on the floor calling each other names. This is while I am pointing my finger silently begging them to stop while mouthing it’s someone from church and please can they act like civilized humans for ten minutes (ten minutes is my allotted amount of time on phone before for lack of a better term the crap hits the fan).

I wish I could say that was the worst thing they do while I’m on the phone far from it. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if my out of state friends thing we have three hound dogs, cars up on blocks, sitting in the back yard in our underware drinking a beer. Let me fill everyone in on a few examples of the things that would leave people under this impression:

On the phone with my friend Emma walks in and says:

Emma: I just told David to never stick his finger in his ear and then put it in his mouth.

Me: Emma how do you know that? (I knew better than to ask, I really did)

Emma: Cause I just tried it and it tastes gross

Example two this time with Leanna and again I was on phone with friend:

Leanna: Mom did you know if you bite your toenails you can choke on them

Me: (I didn’t even want to ask) Yes Leanna, I knew that.

These are the type of conversations that go on in my house day to day. I probably shouldn’t put it out there for the world to view, but in all reality knowing you can choke on toenails may save someones life one day.

These type of things don’t only happen when I’m on the phone either. I was outside just the other day chatting with my neighbor. I was talking about the day I went somewhere for a little while and left David in charge and what does Janelle say? She looks at my neighbor and says yeah, mommy was gone for days and days. This is her answer for any amount of time and thankfully my neighbor knew I wouldn’t leave David in charge that long (I’m scared to leave him babysit for more than a few minutes for fear I may come back and find everyone covered in paint and my house destroyed while he’s consumed by video games). Janelle however has no concept of time and a few minutes is always days and days.

If I ever try to tell a white lie to even a telemarketer by saying I’m busy there is sure to be a child there to say no your not, your just watching TV (why did I teach them not to lie. Yet they do lie but only when it’s to save their own butts). Worse is when the door to door salesman came selling kids books and there they all were screaming I want books I want book, while I was trying to get rid of him. $500 for books my butt!

In the moment when they say these things I don’t know what to say or how to react, but I admit most times I think back and laugh so hard. Seriously, who can think of a seven year old tasting ear wax and not giggle? I kind of wish I’d seen her face when she did it.

So I guess the point of todays blog is to teach yet another of Newton’s laws. Your children will say things when you least expect it to embarrass you, but in twenty years you’ll long to catch one more glimpse of that childlike innocence when it’s still okay to bite your toenails.

Where the H E double hockey sticks is it?

Some people would assume the hardest thing about being a large family would be tackling the mountains of laundry that seems to mutate and grow by feet a day. Seriously my basement looks like the outside of a Salvation Army clothing drop off box sometimes. Dirty clothes however, are not the biggest problem, it’s the things that come up missing. I write this post after searching for fifteen minutes for my cell phone I had when I woke up, but lost between changing Mathew and eating breakfast. It’s a serious problem when you have to log into facebook just to message one of your friends to call you while they laugh hysterically because this wasn’t the first time. Yes people reeeeal funny my house seems to be a bramuta triangle for household objects.

I wish I could say phones are the only things that disappear in the house, but it’s not. Everyday someone is missing a shoe. I think we may have a shoe fairy who gets some sort of sick amusement out of watching me go through the house swearing as I bend over to look under furniture, empty toy boxes, and yes even cupboards. It is a horrible cycle that always ends with me finding said shoe in the last place I look which is usually the last place a person would think to look for a shoe, like in a drawer or tub. Sometimes all I have to do is look out the window into the yard which I dread doing because Newton’s law states: If a child takes their shoes off outside and forgets to bring them in it will have rained and soaked said shoe.

Sometimes I blame the ghost in our house for the thievery of objects. How does one explain away a flute in a basket of laundry (see mutating laundry pile). A comb on the table after I searched the table ten times. There is one thing I know for sure though, and can count on. If we are running late something is guaranteed to be missing. This is when I must enlist the help of the children, which is even more frustrating than looking by myself. For some unknown reason my children think standing in one place, spinning in a circle is looking for things. I’ve recently learned that bribing them works by saying the first one to find it wins a prize. The prize is usually my thankfulness and they picked up on that and now that trick don’t work so well. Now they want to know ahead of time what the prize is and I usually don’t have one.

I could go on with this blog telling stories of toys that have never been found, my wedding ring that has been MIA for six months, papers, books, and yes even dishes (sometimes I wonder if I ever do want to find these again). And please don’t be under the impression the house is a disaster it really isn’t, it truly is just a black hole which sucks in anything I need! And people wonder why I am insane!

 If you hear a faint sound of someone swearing about a shoe faintly in the distance have no fear it’s just me. And please if a week passes and no one hears from me please send help I’m probably stuck in the laundry pile and kids are spinning in a circle trying to find me.

Meet the residents of my funny farm

David- We are starting to think this breed is allergic to the outside. He prefers to be indoors like a crazy cave recluse. I’ve taken to grounding him to the outside. He’s the oldest of the species at 13 and still mama’s sweet little prince (don’t tell him I said that).

Breed: Tech junkie

Habits: Video games!

Call of the wild: Mooooooom the baby stinks!

In the wild David is found sitting in the darkness of his den. Do not approach the reclusive David while he has mouse in hand unless you are carrying food. In his natural habitat David can be found forging for peanut butter and Pepsi.

Sara- The ever frightening pre-teen. She is very rarely seen near her home as she prefers the company of other pre-teen (they are pack creatures). This breed is known to roll it’s eyes, slam doors, giggle at boys, and has a way of arguing that would put any lawyer to shame.

Breed: exorcist (picture head spinning pea soup spewing when angry)

Habits: Hip hop dance, and singing

Call of the wild: I have to do everything! and seriously mother

In the wild Sara is often found with other females of the species. In her natural habitat Sara can be found screaming there’s nothing to eat while forging through mass piles of food. She is not to be approached when she is inside her closed den or she may attack! APPROACH WITH EXTREME CAUTION!

Leanna- A fast moving breed that rarely gets sick (moves too fast for the germs to stick). This breed prefers to hang of things and ride bikes. The outdoors is where they are most comfortable. This breed must be fed at least six times a day.

Breed rabbit crossed with a garbage disposal

Habits: agitating the other breeds in the zoo

Call of the wild: why? and I’m doing it anyways

Leanna is friendly with almost any other species outside of her habitat. She never takes no for an answer. This is a strong willed breed that would make you swear there is donkey in the genes somewhere. This species can be found forging for just about anything though it is a strange breed with a strong dislike for pizza.

 Emma- A sensitive quiet breed that howls when upset. This is an attention seeking breed with a strong imagination and great story telling skills. A cute breed that often makes other species unable to tell when she is about to attack.

Breed Pretty tomboy

Habits: Whatever she feels like in the moment

Call of the wild: IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

This breed can be found equally in their habitat and out in the wilds. She can be found with any species, male or female. She is not a picky breed and one minute can be found playing basketball and the next minute playing house. She can be found forging for pasta salad at any time night or day.

Janelle- A hyper, funny breed who wants nothing more than to make people laugh. She’s been known to color on walls when not supervised well enough and loves to make as much noise as possible. A gentle breed that will only rough play with other breeds within her habitat.

Breed comedian

habits: singing and coloring

call of the wild: But why? and but, but, but…

Janelle is a sweet sensitive breed who is just as happy alone as in a pack. Her senses are strong some people refer to her breed as overly picky. In the wild she can be seen forging for anything that is not sticky, gooey, smelly….basically mac and cheese and pizza.

Devony- This is a cute breed so most handlers do not realize what a handful she can be. YOU MUST NEVER turn your back on this breed for even a second. She is gentle, but destructive. This breed can be found digging in cat litter, emptying its food containers, dumping any fluids it finds, or biting other species.

Breed: deceptive

habits: eating anything she can chew

Call of the wild: Moooooooooooom stuck!

This species can be found climbing to much higher heights than her own hight. She wakes often during the night demanding drinks and is not fully  house broken. A smaller breed that can be carried around like a pocket puppy.

Mathew- This is a newer breed that not much is known about yet. We are carefully keeping notes and studying this species to learn all we can.

Breed: Infant child

Habits: sleeping

Call of the wild: Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Mathew is an adorable breed who thus far only forges for formula. We have a feeling this breed will have a healthy appetite.